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Sebelum protes bahwa tidak ada beritanya, ada baiknya melihat screen shot yang saya pasang dibawah. Ada kok beritanya, bersanding dengan berita seorang ibu hamil berkulit hitam ditembak mati polisi karena menghunus pisau (atau gunting) terhadap polisi. Ironisnya, polisi ada di apartemennya karena ia yang memanggil mereka untuk melaporkan pencurian. Ini bukan pertama kalinya orang kulit hitam ditembak mati, sekali waktu bahkan seorang wanita berumur 19 tahun ditembak oleh seorang pemilik rumah setelah wanita ini mengetuk pintu rumah orang ini untuk meminta tolong setelah mengalami kecelakaan mobil. Apa moral dari cerita ini?
But the good news is that the systems can then use that information to automatically improve themselves, fixing the errors.Numerous inputs'DeepXplore is able to generate numerous inputs that lead to deep neural network misclassifications automatically and efficiently,' Junfeng Yang, an associate professor of computer science at Columbia University, who worked on the project. World software news. 'These inputs can be fed back to the training process to improve accuracy.' That's the bad news. They describe it as a '.To test the system, they threw a bunch of datasets at it to see what happens, including self-driving car data, Android and PDF malware data, and image data. They also fed it a selection of production-quality neural networks trained on those datasets - including some that have ranked highly in self-driving car challenges.The results showed thousands of incorrect behaviours, like crashing into guard rails under certain circumstances.
Bangsa Barat memang sialan gitu? Orang minoritas selalu ditindas? Moral dari cerita ini adalah banyak orang 'sakit' di dunia ini. Ada orang yang dengan teganya menabrakkan mobil ke orang-orang yang baru pulang dari Masjid di London Senin subuh ini. Tapi tanggal 3 Juni yang lalu ada orang-orang yang menabrakkan mobil ke pejalan kaki di jembatan London yang terkenal, konon anggota ISIS.
Tanggal 18 Mei, ada orang stres yang menabrakkan mobilnya ke pejalan kaki di Times Square New York yang super sibuk. Kalau membicarakan bom, ada bom di Manchester, dan tiap Natal kita di Indonesia juga kayanya selalu ada ancaman bom di Gereja.
Tapi Tamil Eelam di Sri Lanka juga nge-bom kanan kiri. Tahun 1996 ada bom di Manchester juga, tapi yang ini oleh IRA (militan Irlandia). Oktober 2016 3 orang pria di Kansas ditangkap karena ingin mengebom Masjid. Bicara stabbing atau penusukan, tahun 2016 ada orang yang sibuk menyerang orang di restoran dengan golok di Ohio, konon menyebut nama Allah. 31 May tahun ini ada orang yang menusuk orang-orang yang mencoba menghentikan tingkahnya yang menyerang secara verbal dua remaja yang salah satunya Muslim. Dan di tahun 2012, seorang pria di Cina menyerang 22 anak-anak di sebuah sekolah. Di tahun 2016 seorang pria Perancis ditembak mati di Bali setelah mengamuk dan membunuh seorang polisi.
Kalau kita fokus ke alasan, semua alasan itu bisa dijustifikasi/dibenarkan kok. Sebagaimana seorang pengacara yang sanggup berkelit dan membuat alasan agar tindakan kliennya bisa dibenarkan, begitu pula kita dengan sekelilling kita. 'Biar aja, toh Muslim kebiasaan nge-bom kiri kanan', 'Syukurin, Cina reseh sih,' 'Makanya, siapa suruh jadi kafir?'
Yang sampai nggak ada hubungannya pun bisa dihubungkan. Berita orang terbunuh di pengeboman saat konser Ariana Grande, reaksinya 'Trus kenapa? Begitu banyak orang Islam yang terbunuh di Palestina!' Berita orang Islam dibunuhi di Afrika, reaksinya 'Trus kenapa? Begitu banyak yang sudah mereka bantai di seluruh dunia!' Terus aja sih kalau mau cari alasan. Tapi kalau kita bisa mundur selangkah, kalau kita bisa bijak sejenak, coba deh kita berpikir.
Coba lihat segala aksi kekerasan ini dari, yah, aksi tersebut, bukan alasannya. Orang normal ya, orang yang (syukurlah) masih punya nurani, biasanya lihat darah mengucur saja sudah mual dan eneg dan panik. Lihat orang sedih atau menangis, rasanya hati ikut merana. Mencubit anak atau menampar orang rasanya sudah berdosa sekali. Ini kok bisa, bukan hanya aktif melukai namun sampai menghilangkan nyawa orang. Di cerita Harry Potter, konon untuk membuat Horcrux agar hidup abadi caranya adalah dengan membunuh orang, karena membunuh orang adalah tindakan yang demikian mengerikan sehingga jiwa kita terbelah.
Saya percaya ini juga yang terjadi di dunia nyata. Nggak harus ekstrim membunuh lho, pikiran buruk dan kata-kata yang menyerang saja sudah cukup untuk mengikis kemanusiaan kita.
Saya ingat dulu pertama kali saya mengenal dan mengucap kata 'F.ck'. Rasanya antara berasa Bad Girl banget, keren dan cool habis, dan anak nggak bener banget, yang akan terjerumus kedalam sex bebas narkoba dan dunia hitam.
Dari dulu imajinasi saya memang suka ekstrim nggak jelas. Dua dekade (lebih sedikit) berikutnya, saya mengobrol dengan bos saya kadang dengan santwi terselip kata ajaib itu. Makanya saya nggak ngerti kalau ada orang yang tersinggung kalau saya pakai kata 'F.ck', karena menurut saya biasa saja. Sekarang, coba ganti kata 'F.ck' ini dengan makian: 'Dasar Cina' 'Dasar Kafir' 'Dasar Onta', dan seterusnya. Ganti kata 'F'.ck' ini dengan hinaan, 'Syukurin' 'Rasain' 'Semoga (isi yang buruk)'.
Kalau yang rajin mantengin kolom komentar di fesbuk atau berita online pasti sering melihat yang seperti ini. Atau yang 'Wajar diperkosa, lihat bajunya', 'Nggak bener sih, makanya mati,' dan sejuta penghakiman lainnya. Kita pikir ini biasa, padahal dengan tiap penghakiman, dengan tiap hinaan, dengan tiap ancaman kekerasan dan kearoganan yang kita ucapkan, kemanusiaan kita semakin terkikis. Nggak kurang dari J.
Rowling sendiri yang mengecam sentimen anti-Muslim yang riuh dikobarkan media di UK. Jangan ge-er dulu yang Muslim, ini bukan semata karena benci Muslim, tapi karena laku dijual. Sama halnya media yang lebih tertarik ngebahas twitnya Donald Trump daripada detail program kerjanya. Di Indonesia biasanya laku soal Kristenisasi dan sentimen anti-Cina (plus PKI).
Sebagaimana yang disadari penulis Harry Potter ini, sentimen anti- apapun sangat berbahaya. Kita nggak bisa mengharapkan dunia yang damai dan aman, kalau kitanya sendiri penuh kenegatifan dan berbahaya. Bahkan untuk hal-hal yang anda tahu buruk pun, ada banyak cara untuk menyikapi dengan bijak tanpa kehilangan kemanusiaan anda.
Anda bisa memisahkan diri dari orang yang terkenal pemabuk karena anda khawatir dia bisa berbahaya saat mabuk, misalnya; tapi nggak usah yang koar-koar 'Idih si A itu kan pemabuk, amit-amit banget deh, mau jadi apa kedepannya, palingan bakal mati di selokan itu orang'. Jangan membunuh atau melukai seseorang, baik secara fisik maupun mental, karena dengan demikian kita membunuh dan melukai diri kita sendiri. Sudah cukup sekian banyak raga tak bernyawa terserak. Sudah cukup sekian banyak pikiran dan perasaan teraniaya, yang kemudian membuka siklus baru dimana kita saling membunuh dan menyakiti. Kekerasan, apapun bentuk dan alasannya, tidak bisa dibiarkan. Pertama kita berpikir, lalu kita berkata, lalu kita berbuat. Jangan lagi kita membuat diri kita kehilangan kemanusiaan kita, jangan lagi kita menghancurkan kemanusiaan orang lain.
Saya merindukan teduh damainya surga di muka bumi ini, di dalam hidup saya. Selaku (calon) ibu dari anak-anak si suami, ada juga yang dipilih harus kompeten ya? Yang cerdas, penyayang, kuat, mau dan bisa diajak bekerja sama. Cantik sih memang enak dilihat, tapi pernikahan/hidup bersama kan ga cuma lihat-lihatan.
Sudah waktunya kita melihat wanita sebagai ratu, yang kalau rajanya kenapa-kenapa harus siap mengambil alih kerajaan. Rajanya juga jangan kampret dan memperlakukan sang ratu sebagai selir belaka. Kita sebagai pasangan membutuhkan satu sama lain kok. Percaya deh, tampilan fisik saja nggak cukup untuk mempertahankan hubungan; dan kalau memang hubungan cuma karena fisik, awas-awas ditinggal untuk yang lebih menarik.
Ini membawa kita ke poin 2. Kalau berubah yang baik demi kesehatan dan alasan higienis ya nggak apa-apa, atau berhenti dari kebiasaan buruk seperti belanja bra tiap ada sale (oops). Tapi kalau yang: 'Dia lebih menarik', 'Dia lebih penyayang', 'Dia lebih jago ilmu agamanya', 'Dia lebih kaya/karir lebih stabil' dan sebangsanya, males kan? Kalau memang nggak tahan dan nggak cocok yuk mari bye bye, jangan baru cari alasan pas ketemu yang lebih bagus. Lu pikir gue provider hape yang lu tinggal ganti nomor pas nemu paket yang lebih oke? Diselingkuhi itu menyakitkan lho, yang membawa kita ke poin 3.
Lagi-lagi saya beruntung, orang lain belum tentu. Operasi plastik itu mahal lho. Dan kalau memang kulitnya gelap, apa harus di bleach pakai merkuri?
Ijazah/pendidikan, kepintaran, kesholehan/ketaatan beragama, semua ini bisa diraih. Nah fisik sesuai 'standar' meraihnya gimana?
Apalagi untuk hal-hal yang nggak bisa diubah seperti warna kulit, tinggi badan, tampilan muka, dan sebagainya. Hidup gue jadi harus selesai gara-gara ga sesuai standar lu? Kita seringkali nggak sadar bahwa omongan yang kita ucapkan itu bisa begitu menyakiti orang lain, yang membawa kita ke poin 5, poin terakhir. Buat kita yang 'waras', jalannya jelas. Punya hati sedikitlah. Pikir-pikir sebelum posting. Anda berhak menyuarakan pendapat anda, tapi hanya karena anda berhak bukan berarti anda harus.
Terkadang diam lebih baik, apalagi kalau motifnya sekedar 'Biar tahu rasa dia!' Atau ego kita belaka. Buat yang 'sakit', yang nggak mampu bersimpati terhadap orang lain, yang kayak gini nggak usah dibantah.
Anda bisa membantu mengkonter dengan menulis hal yang menyejukkan bagi orang yang 'diserang', setidaknya mengingatkan pembaca lain 'Begini lho cara bersosmed yang beradab'. What was it like to leave the only place you have known all your life, in exchange for something new? My longest flight till that moment was 1.5 hours flight between The Capital and my home island. I was never even been to another island, only those two.
Teori Kepribadian Mulia Pdf Reader Free
Yet there I was, sitting in the waiting room of an airport terminal waiting for my 24-hour flight to start. Excitement ran through me like a spring shower, deliciously refreshing but a bit shocking as well. I, the control freak, started to think the many ways that the trip or flight could get botched. What if they don't accept my visa, what if I don't have all the paperwork, what if they refused my entry and told me to go back home? I knew I got it all good, but it was still scary, very scary for me. People say, 'If you are worried, that means you have something to hide,'. That was definitely not the case with me.
Maybe it's because back home things could still get wrong even when you have everything in order. Maybe because it's the USA and I've read far too many stories how TSA or immigration officer treats you like a criminal. Or maybe, just maybe, because I will end up 8,000 miles away from my comfort zone, with people that don't speak my language and probably don't care much about me. Either way, it was scary.
But then I saw my little backpack carry-on, and the rush of excitement was running through me once again. I have spent the last 3 weeks I had in Bali to prepare for my departure. The little brown canvas shoes with a white flower stitched on it - which I wore on that flight - was purchased during that period, along with a pretty pair of dark red flats with a bow on top for my wedding shoes, safely tucked in the checked luggage the size of another carry-on.
A copy of Michael Crichton's 'Jurassic Park' in English. Gifts for his family (I sounded like the Spaniards coming to find a new world lol). My wedding outfit: the tailor-made Kebaya (traditional lace blouse) and a silk cloth to wear as a skirt with matching sash. My asthma inhaler, 3 of them. The beautiful maroon trench coat that I purchased in Jogjakarta, solely for USA life. Those and very few clothes, that's all I have. I got him waiting for me in the US.
And a whole new life with him. It wasn't until my second flight, when I depart from Taipei, that I realized the consequences of my action.
As the plane took off from Taoyuan International Airport, as the lights below us grow dimmer and smaller till there is nothing to be seen, I cried silently on my seat. This is it, I thought to myself, there is no turning back. 5 hours flight to/from Taipei is doable, a lot of Indonesian people do that. The additional 12 hours flight to the US? It seemed only the rich and the working can go to the US, I was neither. I've only realized this now, but back then I was very worried.
What if I have to go home and I don't have money to go home? What if something happened to my family and I can't help them? What if I can't find a job? What if I have to do manual labor since I sucked at details and have no physical strength at all? For the first time in my adult life, I will be fully relying on someone, and that scared me. And yes, being 23 hours flight away from your home will pretty much turn you into freak out mode. The first thing I saw when we start the landing process, was the 405.
It was amazing. I have never seen any road as large as that one. I mean how many lanes were there, 6 or 8? My fears and worries gladly took the back seat as my curious instinct kicked in in hyperdrive, absorbing every detail and every sensation.
This is it, I told myself, USA. I would never, ever thought that I'd be able to come to the USA, let alone to (possibly) stay there. I wouldn't be able to afford it.
At the same time, I had thought I will never, ever get married. I simply was not attractive enough. Yet there I was, waiting in the immigration line at LAX. The two things that I thought will never happen, would happen almost simultaneously. It was madness. It was folly.
But I'm glad I did. The hours and days after were times of discovery. I discovered that immigration officers can be cool and efficient and friendly, as I glide flawlessly through the checkpoint, right to the arms of my very surprised husband-to-be who just arrived with a handful of roses. To this day he still accused me of cutting through the line, since nobody can go pass immigration that quickly. Hey, I look innocent, what can I say? I discovered the giganticness of US freeway system, or at least the 405. I discovered that an IHOP entree is large enough to feed a family of 4.
I discovered that Katy Perry was probably lying about hot California girls since it was freaking cold. I discovered that yes, there can be fog on the beach in morning time (what blasphemy!). I discovered that cars and vehicles are frighteningly fast, and since everything is so far apart (I lived in Huntington Beach that time), you are stuck there without a car. I discovered that I hate being not in control my own life: no scooter, no permanent ID (yet), no money, no job. But I learned and adapt quickly.
I learned about the transportation system. I got a birth control implant from Planned Parenthood. I visited places like library all on my own. We move to another city 2 months after I arrived, and I learned some more.
I learned to master the art of grocery shopping, and with that, the art of cooking. I went and got my state ID by myself. I apply for my conditional green card, and afterward, my social security number. I looked for volunteer jobs. I joined Meetup groups and meet new people. Everything was new to me, and even the sight of different nuts on an autumn sale made me squeal in excitement. Drinkable tap water was life changing, and so does the notion that nutcracker doesn't have to be in the form of a soldier.
Looking back, it was a girl who left Indonesia almost 4 years ago. Despite her age, it was a young girl who excitedly prepares herself for the trip of her lifetime, who left her home filled with hope and filled with love, a na誰ve being who believed everything will be perfect. It will be a grown-up woman who'll return home for a visit. A woman who have seen a lot, experienced a lot, and matured from what had happened. A woman who understand more about love, and who knows how to love herself properly.
Being in the USA not only taught me about myself and about life, but also about the world itself. The barriers around me were torn down, both in my mind or through the accessible information system. I understand more, and consequently, I love more. I did not evolve, I was reborn: better, stronger, smarter. And to that, albeit all the pain and tears and sadness I went through, I thank my stars. Hello, Ary 2.0.
Soal tuduh-menuduh begini juga bukan akar permasalahan, namun sebuah gejala. Nggak usah deh kitab suci agama, buku Harry Potter pun kalau mau bisa saya argumenkan sebagai buku yang mengajarkan kegelapan dan menyembah setan dengan mengambil bagian-bagian dari buku tersebut. Sebaliknya, saya juga bisa bikin seolah buku itu anugrah terbesar umat manusia, lagi-lagi dengan mengambil cuilan-cuilan dari buku tersebut. Semua interpretasi ini kembali ke orang-orang yang mendengarkan argument saya, dan ini sebenarnya akar permasalahannya: kita nggak kenal satu sama lain. Saya nggak yakin si bapak yang pasang billboard ini punya teman orang Islam, karena orang Islam yang saya tahu, baik di Los Angeles maupun di Indonesia, nggak ada yang melakukan hal-hal yang dia tulis.
Boro-boro Syekh Puji yang mengawini anak dibawah umur, Aa Gym yang kawin lagi dengan wanita yang lebih muda saja banyak yang protes. Kemungkinan yang dia tulis di billboard ini berdasarkan apa yang dia riset/baca di internet, yang ke-valid-annya sangat diragukan, tapi karena 'cocok' dengan apa yang ingin ia percayai ya yuk mari ditulis. Sebelum lompat ke 'Konspirasi media', penting untuk tahu kenapa saya selalu heboh mengklarifikasi hoax atau memaksa teman-teman saya bertanggung jawab akan apa yang mereka sharing/sebarkan. Media jurnalisme resmi, yang benar-benar resmi punya pemimpin redaksi badan hukum dan sebagainya, wajib menulis sebenar-benarnya dan harus mampu mempertanggungjawabkan apa yang ditulis serta mengecek kebenarannya sebelum diterbitkan. Minimal mencoba mengecek kebenarannya. Seperti pepatah disini: 'If it's too good to be true, it usually is', kalau kedengarannya terlalu muluk, biasanya memang iya.
Masalahnya banyak dari kita, dan kayaknya termasuk si bapak ini, menggunakan internet untuk mendapatkan info yang ingin kita ketahui, bukan yang harusnya kita ketahui. Paling gampang deh, waktu Pilkada Jakarta kemarin semua teman yang pro-Ahok sibuk posting/sharing berita-berita pro-Ahok, dan yang anti-Ahok melakukan sebaliknya. Yang dari sumber berita resmi seperti Detik, Kompas, Tempo, dan sebangsanya bisa dihitung dengan jari (kalau ada), sisanya dari website blog/opini yang semua bisa menulis tanpa perlu meriset atau berdasarkan fakta. Walhasil yang benci Ahok tambah benci, yang benci anti-Ahok tambah benci, dan si Bapak ini yang berpikir sang Nabi itu pedofil.
Satu hal yang saya pelajari saat jadi imigran disini adalah pentingnya bersikap terbuka, dan tidak pentingnya untuk merasa 'Ini gue lho!' Saya ingat mantan anak tiri saya yang bertanya kenapa hidung saya aneh bentuknya. Mau marah juga nggak bisa, soalnya dia kan memang belum pernah melihat hidung pesek seperti saya hahaha. Sebaliknya, saya mengobrol dengan orang disini juga nggak yang, 'Gini gini, lu harus ngerti gue ini siapa, dan lu harus menghormati siapa gue,' lalu tersinggung mampus saat mereka nggak ngerti atau salah-salah kata. Mereka mengucap Indonesia saja susah gitu lho. Saya 4 tahun hidup disini bisa kok ngobrol tanpa mention SARA.
Kalau dia orang yang dasarnya reseh, ya udah sih saya nggak ajak ngobrol lagi; ga usah repot. Tapi banyak dari kita yang merasa itu nggak cukup. Banyak dari kita yang merasa segala sesuatu harus sesuai dengan apa yang kita percayai, dengan apa yang membuat kita nyaman.
Bilamana ada yang membuat kita merasa tidak nyaman atau tidak sesuai dengan apa yang kita percayai, maka ancaman tersebut harus dihilangkan. Itulah kenapa orang-orang memilih membaca berita yang membuat mereka nyaman, hoax atau misinformasi peduli setan. Akhirnya pada sibuk sendiri terbelenggu kepicikan diri, yang bilamana terjadi pada individual/orang yang dasarnya memang agak 'sakit', dapat menjadi alasan untuk menyerang orang lain. Pelaku penusukan di Portland, pelaku penusukan di Ohio, bom bunuh diri di Bali, pelaku penembakan kuil Sikh di Wisconsin, ini semua orang-orang 'sakit' yang merasa terpanggil (baca: terjustifikasi) untuk melakukan semua ini karena apa yang mereka putuskan untuk percayai. Semua teori konspirasi boleh beredar, tapi itu nggak akan mengubah fakta bahwa perubahan harus dimulai dari diri kita sendiri. Be good, be kind. Jadilah orang yang baik, yang welas asih.
Jangan merebut hak orang lain, termasuk hak untuk tersenyum, hak untuk merasa aman, hak untuk beribadah. Dan kalau anda ingin apa yang anda percayai dicintai orang lain, jadilah gambaran hidup apa yang anda percayai. Model-model Victoria's Secret semuanya super seksi karena perusahaan ini ingin brand/merk mereka terkonotasi dengan imej 'seksi'. Anda ingin apa yang anda percayai dianggap mulia dan paling baik?
Bersikaplah seperti itu. Nggak ada gunanya anda marah dianggap jelek bila kelakuan anda memang membuat resah orang lain. Asal tahu saja, billboard si Bapak inilah kenapa orang-orang pro-Trump disini banyak diledek sebagai sampah masyarakat.
Action speaks louder than words. Aksi berbicara lebih nyaring daripada sekedar kata-kata. You think after almost a year I will get over it. Apparently I have not.
The horror and the pain is still as fresh as it was almost a year before, maybe even worse. 10 more days before the D-Day, before I found out about him and her. If anything, it feels a lot worse. Back then my Fight or Flight reaction dominated my mind.
Surviving in US took priority: finance arrangement, furnishing my apartment, divorce proceeding. After that I was busy pursuing my 'new' life, always running and running, achieving one accomplishment and then another. I moved so fast that despite my occassional bawling and anger now and then, I don't really stop to let everything sink in. And now it came back with a vengeance. It is a complicated feeling because I love my life. As I am writing this I was also busy joking with a fellow bus buddy about going to Tijuana. He teased me mercilessly about my fear of getting stuck at the border, and we were laughing heartily about that.
I would dance all night and play games all day. If I was told this is the life I will have in exchange to the end of us, I might still go with it. Yet I am still getting drowned in the emotion, the tears still fell on my cheeks. I am still looking at the calendar with heavy heart, as if counting the days I had left to live. I have tried to snapped out of it, heaven knows I've tried. My social agenda in June/July is packed. I asked a friend to stay with me during the weekend so I have someone to hold.
I call another one, over and over and over. We talked nonsense on the phone, but my friend knew what lies hidden beneath the jokes: 'Don't leave me. Don't let me be alone. Stay with me.' All I want right now, all I need is someone to hug me tight and let me cry on his/her shoulder, while he/she gently pat my head. All I need is to feel safe once more, to know I am not alone.
Yet still I ask: 'Why did you do it? Because I did love him. With all my heart.
I did give him my everything: my love, my heart, my trust. I thought we could make it through the end of our days. We couldn't even make it to our 3rd anniversary. And I loved him so much. I couldn't even say it out loud before, because people will think I am stupid if I said I love a man who treated me so bad; or worse, think that I don't respect what they did for me or respect myself. That's why I played it cool, I downplayed it by acting strong and laughed at his life choices. I joke about things and rolled my eyes when talking about him.
I wasn't strong or brave enough to admit it then, but I am now. I lost my love that day, both him and the love I had in me. It was a beautiful love.
I nurtured it and guard it with all my might, yet it was killed that day. Logic can't help me now in my state of grief. There is no amount of reasoning that can help me snap out of the emotion that binds me, I have to snap free myself by letting my emotion run its course. It helps to talk/write about it, as it enables me to see it from a different perspective. Right now I have gain (some of) my composure back, and I understand what I really want is for none of this to happen.
I want his love that's only for me. I want the beautiful love that I have for him. Or, at the very least, for the love to not be thrown out so casually and so mercilessly.
I can't have it, though. Even if I can travel through time, I won't have it back. Both he and I only acted true to our personality and even the current outcome, devastating as it is for us, is probably still the best and the kindest. It doesn't matter how wonderful or how strong one's love is, if it doesn't complement the other person it still can't and wont work. All that is left for me is to properly weep and grieved for the killed love, the tears and sadness that I have refuse to acknowledge for the past 12 months.
I have wore my pride as an armor to protect the weak woman inside. Now that the woman is strong enough, it is time to put the armor aside and let me gathered the remains of my love. It is time to laid her to rest and let her nourish the soil of my soul. Love, like energy, can not be destroyed. It can change into different forms or stay inert until the right time comes, but it can never be destroyed. I loved him, and it's ok to say it out loud.
It is okay to curl in a fetal position on my bed and cry myself to sleep over it. 10 more days to go. But then the memories came crashing in, and suddenly I will find myself in an emotional lockdown again, much too disturbed to move or to save myself. Even though I forgive him, even feeling sorry for him, even though I know what happened was inevitable, I still can't escape the pain of the past. No matter how many times I said to 'Let it go', it still drives me insane at times like now. March is the month where he crossed the line and set the separation in motion.
May is the month he cheated on me. June is the month I found out about his infidelity. I still remember each date and what happened on the day of, and as those days came closer this year I found myself in the same emotional turmoil I faced when it happened last year.
Because you can't put a price on love, that's why. Because regardless of how catastrophic the end of the relationship was, in the beginning, there was love. You can't logic this one out and wiped out the memories and feelings you have in an instant. It doesn't mean you still love the person, because I know I don't. Care for him, maybe, but I have no desire of having him in my life anymore. Not loving somebody anymore doesn't mean you can easily forget or let go of what you and that person have in the past.
It is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of how strongly you feel about that person, and it's perfectly fine.
I have tried to put everything behind, to not remember the butterfly in my stomach when I met him, or how good it feels to be in love with him. I have tried to not be angry at him every time I saw a loving post or two I made a few years back, courtesy of Facebook's 'On This Day' app, or feeling duped and stupid for believing in him. I know it wasn't anyone intention to end up like this, it just how life is.
Yet still I typed the silly question to my friend, 'I am a good girl, right? A little crazy and can be difficult, but still a good girl, right?' I was mum for so long, even though my closest friend knows what's going on. Beneath the laughter and the energetic attitude, there was a woman who was still trying to heal her wounds. I was not crazy for loving him.
I was not weak for staying with him and understanding him. I am not embarrassed, I shouldn't be embarrassed to admit I am still hurting. It became pathological if it consumed my life, but seeing what a jolly person I normally am, I'd say a relapse now and then is still understandable.
Despite the predicament that we're in right now, I used to love this man, dammit. Interesting days will come when my Facebook feed shows pure love and excitement in the first two years we're together, the beginning of coldness in the third, and the full-blown madness on the fourth; all on the same date, just different years. Horrible days will come when my Facebook feed shows the madness I felt when I found out his affair, and when I tried hard to cope-up with it. Painful days will come when my Facebook feed shows me the process of us getting a visa together, and I will quietly ask myself again 'why?' Even though I know the answer. There was no 'why'.
It just happened. Sometimes relationship didn't work out. Sometimes love is just ain't enough. I've been hurt enough that I refuse to be hurt again by being embarrassed about how I feel.
I loved him, and there is nothing wrong with that. I don't love him now, but that doesn't mean I have to erase everything about him. I can't, even if I manage to destroy and erase every single thing that linked me to him. What happened between me and him is a part of my life. If I still feel sad about it, if I still feel hurt, that is fine.
It shows how much feeling I have for him. After all, he was, borrowing his words, my hopes and dreams. Love is not something to be ashamed of. I would cry a bit more, I would weep in my sleep, but eventually, the wound will heal and the scar will beautify me, instead of hurting me like it is right now.
I can take my time. There is no point of rushing it anyway. As a friend nicely pointed out: 'Stop rebounding on your rebounds'. I need to let it heal completely so I can be whole again, instead of becoming a patchwork doll, or one with the needle(s) still left inside that'll prick the next person that hold me tight. It took me 4.5 years and another woman to leave him physically, it's perfectly fine to take, say, another 4.5 years to leave him mentally.
I'll get there someday, when the wound stop hurting and the tears stop falling. This year is obviously not the time, but I'll get there someday.
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